You Would Have Been So Proud

Hello, and welcome to my world. My pseudonym is name is Ann Peek and this is my crossroads.

Recently, on facebook, I posted that I ‘wish I had one or two marketable skills, instead of being full of awesome.” It’s partly true. I’m not that full of awesome, but I have many interests and talents; they just don’t get me anywhere.

I’ve been looking for work for a month and have found, literally, NOTHING. I’ve been on interviews, and it seems like I was the perfect hire – until the potential boss met me. My feelings are that I’m just too ugly to work…or something.

So, I’m unemployed, and I don’t think it’s because things are ‘that bad’ out there. I seriously think there’s something fundamentally wrong with me, and there’s a reason for this. It’s my ‘pattern”. I seem to have the opposite of the Midas Touch. Everything I touch turns to crap.

Here’s the thing. I’ve been described as ‘smart’, ‘talented’ and ‘not lazy’, by people who I think have a pretty good grasp of what they perceive as the real me (Hang on to your hats, friends, because I don’t think that even I know who the ‘real me” is. I’ve had issues all my life, but “we” can blog about that later.) So, for the 5th time in ten years I am, presumably, entering another homeless shelter in a few days. As soon as a bed opens up, in fact.

And the most disheartening thing is, I don’t think I’ll get any understanding or skills that I haven’t already received from my previous stays at these shelters. But who knows.

“You would have been so proud of the life I had planned.” Seriously. “All I ever wanted was a normal life.” Both phrases have been written by me in the last month, as I saw my almost perfect grades in school drop (due to sickness and a death in the family) and losing my job…and searching for another. As my bank account drained to it’s current just above $10.00, and separated by hundreds of miles from family as they post about promotions and raises and vacations and pets and time spent with loved ones. Is there a reason I’m not able to achieve “normal”? Because, seriously, that’s all I ever wanted.

We shall see.


About annpeek

I'm still trying to figure it out.
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